My experience with how money affected me as an artist.

Money influenced me as an artist.
For some time, i did not realize to the actual extent i was influenced by money within my expression as an artist. I believed that i was actually able to express myself free from the system, specifically here the money system.
However at this moment i look back at my experience as an artist and i see to what extent i was not free from the system, not free from the money system.
It affected me at every turn, every decision, every movement.
So let me look back at my development as an artist and explore the relationship/partnership i had with money and how money actually influenced me extensively as an artist in this world.
An artist of all occupations.
An artist, apparently free.
I choose to be an artist because i believed it was a free expression, because i believed that i would be free within this expression.
Or did i choose to be an artist because my fathers father did not have enough money for his son, my father,to get an education which in turn affected his income and therein influenced what type of education his children, myself included would have available. And thus i ‘’chose’’ to study art.

So given the income of my family perhaps it was more suitable for me to take a liking to drawing at a young age - besides we did not have boxes of toys - we did have some, yes, but not overwhelmingly so that the paper and crayons were always within reach. I started to get serious about being an artist when i was about 16 years old. I enjoyed sports also but found myself many days after school sitting in my room drawing for hours. It was a cheap hobby. Paper and pencils and i was set. Paper and pencil still now 10 years later being the foundational application of my artistic practice - drawing, why? Its inexpensive, even if i have little money i usually can afford a sketch book and some drawing supplies. I Went to art school for 4 years and would you know it, i opted for a drawing major instead of painting. Drawing was much less expensive.

I applied for and received student loans to pay for my education.Of course i could not afford to go to school outside the country - to study in the places where the masters i saw in the books worked and lived. However i was fortunate enough to actually be granted money from my government and even go to school. In fact, when i was in school, i was rich! I spent most of my money on art supplies of all kinds focusing as mentioned on drawing. You could stick a 5 foot piece of paper to the wall at less than half the price it would cost to hang a painting of the same size - of course you could sell it for less than half as much as well - that is if the people with the money liked it. FUCK THAT!!! I didn't feel like making pictures for money. Oh, and i never sold many of of those either.

I applied for money from my government so i could focus solely on study while in school. I thought i would have 4 years to really get this then after that it was on my own so i better take this opportunity and use it effectively. So this is what i did. I worked diligently, on the art that is, i didn't care to much about anything else outside my studio. I did not even realize that during this time i was so passionately studying art, looking at the great artists of the past, studying their work, looking in books, reading art theory about beauty and form and of course FREEDOM ,that the very essence of my/this pursuit was/has been compromised from the very beginning. I was attempting to understand freedom, freedom of expression, what did this mean, i studied art for 4 years in school than another 3 after, all of this missing the point that everything i ever created was not free, was not freedom of expression was not self, expression not by any stretch of the imagination. Every painting i ever created, had an interesting ingredient within it. I had an invisible partner collaborating with me, side by side, i agreed to this. A partner i could not ignore, that i was forced to consider, that existed within every inch of my practice. It was money. Everything i ever painted was a product of money. Oh, and of course, make no mistake – I still considered them all ‘’original’’, Artworks.

So see already how my pursuit as an artist was extensively directed by money.
My choice to study art to begin with.
The actual school in itself i chose to attend.
The country where this school reside.
Deciding to major in drawing rather than painting.

Each on the surface seeming like free decisions.
Decisions made by me.
But on a closer look, directed by the hand of money.
Directed by the system. And this is what we have come to call FREE choice.

Now I would like to take you through an example to illustrate the extent within which money infused itself into my expression. Taking here a not uncommon experience within my studio where you will be able to see how money directly influenced the actual visual/physical appearance of the work I created in my studio.

There were many times i stood before a canvas weighing a decision to make, a color to use, which type of canvas or paint to use, and how much.The size of a shape or figure in the composition. How big to make the painting itself. All of these decisions, absolutely integral to the physical appearance of the work of art, was based on money.

I will use this color instead of the one i actually want to use because this one is cheaper.
I will use this shade of blue because its cheap to buy.
I would really love to paint this figure big but i don't have enough money for paint.
I will have to make these canvases small because i cannot yet afford a bigger studio.

My partner in my studio, the little voice in my head, was Money. much of the time painting became about transcending my fear of money. I remember showing a finished piece or work progress to a friend, he observed first off, ‘’oh shit thats gotta be expensive'' referring to the amount of paint it must have cost me to create the work. Sometimes i did things to spite money - just pile on the paint and say ha. There. fuck you money system. Maybe not so smart. But it became frustrating at times. Then there would be those moments where i could feel the fear setting in. I would put up a big canvas and begin. One afternoon, one night, nothing - ok next day, now evening again...and i continue.....still nothing. Lots of painting but nothing seems to be clicking. Day three, now into the night, FUCK, ‘’i am going to have to scrape this off.’’ the thought crosses my mind - now the fear of money has set in, becoming denser with each passing hour of not being able to get the painting to click. How long could i continue painting my money away? - this is crazy i would think - The thoughts would become more frequent, now suggesting drastic decisions i ‘’must make so as to not waste any more money’’. Money was always there with me, waiting, waiting for the perfect moment to show itself, to ‘’remind me what i was doing’’, or guide me ''gentley'' in this direction or that direction.The thought of money First starting as a single drop(thought) then a trickle, then a stream, that stream would eventually become a river flooding into my mind, submerging me within me, where in my studio, i was consumed by this thought of money,these considerations of money. this fear, It was no longer me alone painting this picture, standing in my studio, expressing myself unconditionally, free of any influence,creating an original painting, painted by me. Nope, it was a full on collaboration. Me working hand in hand with money. In fact, money had the final say! Controlling how much paint i would apply to the canvas, being extra careful not to mix too much. Money controlling the edge, the line, the brush, my hand! as i am slowly, carefully, applying the paint to the canvas with precision, precision steeped now in fear, where what if, one slip, one mistake, one slight of the hand at this stage of the painting could cost me more money. If I could just get through this one section i would be safe.

The artist in his studio.
This is what really went on.

  

 

My final year of art school i had enough loan money left to take a one month trip to Italy to look at the masterpieces i would study and adore in the books at the library.
I seen this critical in my development as an artist and my chances to ''make it'' as an artist.

Looking back now i remember while in Italy noting how ‘’thin’’ the paintings were painted, to the point where some were nearly transparent. When times are tough and money is short you must compromise as an artist.

The point to bring out here though is that money afforded me the opportunity to see these paintings, to actually stand before them in real life, to study them in real life, not just in books. I gained many insights into different methods of painting/drawing. Methods which found their way onto my canvas’s once i returned. A ‘’new’’ look in my work, A new expression coming through, an expression that went hand in hand with the 4 thousand dollars i spent on the trip.

Here again look how money is the key component in the development of my expression. See the extreme degree within which money infiltrated itself within my expression. An extreme, Revealed most blatantly in the fact that the part considered most sacred in painting process, the paintings themselves, the very ‘’originality of the artist’’ the style, the look, the actual physical, visual, appearance of the work, is directed and determined by MONEY!

After graduation i moved home because i could not afford to paint and live in the city, my parents allowed me to set up studio at their place to live and work until i made enough money to again try the city. My parents could see what it would actually require if i were to have a chance to make it as an artist, thus they supported me where they could. Now at home my intention was to build a portfolio which i then could submit for grants which eventually would support my transition back to the city. I applied for a few different ones and 4 months after i started applying i received a letter informing me that i was awarded with one of the grants. At the time i received the grant i had been struggling financially to continue painting. Many times having enough supplies to start a painting not yet knowing where the supplies was going to come from that would allow me to finish the work. I had about one tube of paint worth left of money when the grant arrived. The grant would afford me to make the transition back to the city and also it looked great on my resume. My ‘’value’’ as an artist had just gone up. Based solely on money. What did this ‘’value’’ mean. It meant i was allowed a little more freedom in what i actually painted. No more painting for ‘’the man’’. At least this is what it meant for me. I remember I actually felt different. I actually felt as though i had more freedom. I had more control over what i was to paint, more power. All because my bank account had increased exponentially. The experience of this new feeling of liberation based entirely on money reveals the ‘’hold’’ money had already taken upon my expression as an artist, and within it all, an interesting equation was becoming evident. Money=Freedom.

It was interesting to observe once again how the money was absolutely transforming my paintings. Just as easily as having no money guided the development of my work. So did having allot of money. I could now afford a huge supply of materials and buy what normally i would leave in the store due to its price. This Sudden flood of money provided me with stability. It provided me with time and resources to explore the practice of painting. I observed as my paintings became more vibrant with color. As they became larger. Where you could see that i was actually able to breathe while i painted, painting without the fear of running out of money. This only lasted for a while. This Event once again Illustrating the extent of the power of money and the control money had upon my expression as an artist. I was a slave to money. I as an artist. My entire development, at the whim of money.

I used to ask myself if money were not an issue what would i do, what color would i choose, how big would i actually make my canvas’s – its too difficult to awnser – I can not fathom a decision made without considering money within it . Money is so infused into this world, into my process as an artist, into me. The reality is, money does exist, and until it no longer exist we will take it into consideration.

The question arise.

What is freedom of expression?
Actual unconditional self expression?

Unconditional self expression does not exist as illustrated in the above document.
Look
Evey choice i made no matter how big or small was made in collaboration with money.

Take a moment and imagine – consider, that money did not exist, that it was not an issue. What would my expression as artwork actually look like. How would it unfold, without the consideration of money.
If it never came up, if It simply did not exist. But that i simply expressed.   

Video links : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZZyMcnGjac